Summer is near

End of the year wrap-up in high school is always interesting.  Students (and teachers) are looking forward to the Summer.  Younger students are interested in auditioning for the upper groups so they are starting to practice for the first time this year.  Seniors have already mentally left the scene. The principal is  looking for new teachers for next year and the retiring teachers are so giddy, they can't contain themselves. 

In the music world, we're doing inventory, putting away music and rehearsing for the graduation ceremony.  On the medical front, I get to say goodbye to my port tomorrow.  It's a plastic device in my chest that makes it easier to take blood out and put medicine in.  From here on, it will be done through IV needles.  It's progress. 

Tears

The Spring Concert is over.  All bands performed extremely well.  There were lots of tears from the musicians during the final piece for the Symphonic Band.  For the seniors, it was their last performance in public school and for some it may have been the last music performance of their lives.  I encouraged them to keep up on their instruments.  They can play in college bands regardless of their major.

Most of the tears were due to the realization that high school band was coming to an end.  It's more than playing music.  Band is a community of friends, a safe place to spend all four years of high school.  It's where teenagers know they have a purpose and each individual plays a critical role in the larger group.  It's where they belong.

Spring Concert

My high school spring concert is this evening. I've done so many of these, it should be second nature by now but it's not. With so many details to cover, my concern is for the details that I've forgotten. 

Food, flowers, decorations and punch are all being covered by our orchestra teacher, Jean Lenoir.  The slideshow is mine to worry about as well as some thank you's, announcements and the senior recognition. I guess I also have to conduct through some music.

My personal goal is to stay upright throughout the evening and for my brain to stay on task. If not, the students will cover for me. I have no worries about their abilities or willingness to make it work.  This concert is for them and will hopefully turn into lasting memory, especially for the seniors. 

Dear Side Effects,

Dear Side Effects,

Please stop!!  You have been hammering me for almost a year, trying to wear me down, tear me down or bring me down.  For so many months, you would hit me with something new every week.  Remember the severe finger cramping, then a bad headache for days, then the shaking chills followed by the fever, then terrible GI symptoms, then pain in the kidney and on and on and on?  You would add a new ailment just as I was getting used to the previous one.  They overlapped, sometimes with two, three or even four symptoms going on at the same time.

Even though you have slowed your pace with a new side effect about every two weeks, it's still annoying and I'm done with it.  The latest attack of making me cough every two minutes and preventing communication with my students may be the final straw.  I've learned a lot about fighting GVHD and various illnesses caused by drugs.  From now on, I'm going to use that knowledge to beat you every time you show yourself.  I'm not going to wait for the usual two to three weeks for an official okay from the doctors in Seattle.  I have always waited before but they would just end up giving me the treatment that I already knew would fix the problem.  I haven't been wrong regarding treatment, not even once. 

I know the cough was caused by GVHD so I've increased the steroid, Prednisone and now the cough is gone.  I should have done so a week ago.  The doctors in Seattle are still talking about it and want me to do two more weeks of testing before they will believe it's GVHD.   So give up, it's not working.  I'll just put out any fire that you start and keep smiling.

Mike

Festival success

The big festival was Monday and Tuesday night of this week. Eight local bands played for each other and were judged by an expert who sat in the balcony.  This festival is the reason I went back to work early and has been my motivation and distraction from pain and sickness.

Our Chugiak musicians were fantastic. They played their hearts out, they focused and the result was as expected.  The audience loved them and all is is good.  Now for the Spring concert next week...

Summer

Spring is finally here in South Central Alaska.  The snow is gone, temperatures are hitting 50 degrees and the high school seniors are feeling that the end of their public school days are coming to an end.  It's not a pretty time of year with gravel still on the roads and dust flying everywhere.   The trees haven't started to blossom yet and lawns are still yellow from months of freezing temperatures.  The highway has a different set of traffic with RV's, boats on trailers and motorcycles all pretending it's Summer.  Like the everyone here, we simply can't wait for it come.

It will be a great Summer.  Dip netting salmon on the Kenai, kayaking out of Whittier and Summer work are all Summer activities that I look forward to.  This is also the Summer when I find out that the cancer is completely gone from my body.  Yes, it will be a great Summer!

Retirement!

Is it time to retire?

Here are some reasons why I should make this my last year in education:

• This is year thirty-four as a teacher or school administrator.
• Graft versus Host Disease is beating me up with no sign of retreat.
• Drug side effects make functioning at school difficult.
• The retirement pension would be virtually the same as my current paycheck.
• By the end of a school day, my muscles are so fatigued due to the transplants, it hurts to just walk.
• I may need a second winter job to pay medical bills.
• The doctors are telling me to not work.

Reasons to not retire:

• I'm not finished.

I'm not the best teacher, nor the best musician, nor the best conductor.  I could go on and on about my deficits.  But I do have a conscience, I care deeply about the well being of my students.  As they advance from 9th to 12th grade, they mature into adulthood as citizens who respect others, who have an understanding for beauty through music and they will all have a lifetime memory of huge accomplishment.

I'm not retiring.

Great Students

The doctors said "Don't go back to work for several months."  They repeated this line many times and I would shrink with guilt every time they said it.  The guilt was due to knowing that I had to go back to work.  As a high school band teacher, seeing the same students each day for years, I couldn't stand the thought of staying home while they are judged at a festival or while the seniors are honored at the Spring concert or while they walk through the graduation ceremony.

I pleaded with those doctors to understand that these students are special, they would respect my request to stay back to avoid transmission of germs.  They would help with the physical work that I'm not up to doing and they would support me as I've supported them for years.  The doctors were understandably skeptical.  High school students aren't always known for being respectful and for following rules.  

Now that I've been back to teaching for over a month, I can safely say my assertion was completely correct!  My students have stayed back and have stayed out of my office.  When a student does have a cold or cold symptoms, they stay as far away as possible.  After a gym performance on Monday evening, all of the instruments, stands and chairs magically appeared back in the band room without any instruction to move them.

The adjudicated festival is this Tuesday with performances by eight high school bands.  My band will have had fewer days of rehearsal for this festival than ever before but they won't do poorly.  If fact, I suspect they will rise to the occasion and perform with all the grace, beauty and precision the music deserves.  As for me, all of my personal health issues are greatly overshadowed by the pride I'll see on my student's faces when they know they performed well.  Their achievement will be great memory that will last a lifetime.

Bullies

In earlier blogs from Seattle, I referred to the light at the end of the tunnel.  Although the light kept moving further into the distance, the simple goal was to return home.  That was the light that nourished me for such a long time.  It was as if leaving Seattle meant I was done, cured and healthy again.  When that moment finally became a reality, it was an emotional journey, one of happiness, nervousness to see friends and students and some sadness to say goodbye to so many who cared for me.

Since I'm now realizing the tunnel of sickness is much longer than I ever imagined, I have to look forward to the many new lights that are in front of me.  Leaving Seattle was a singular goal.  In some ways, my focus was simple.  Now, the tunnel goes on for months with many lights along the way.  First, the symphony concert was this evening and another will be tomorrow.  I played with a fever tonight but it went just fine.  My band is performing in a festival this Monday evening.  The following week, my students perform in an adjudicated festival with several other schools.  The Spring concert is just a few days later.  All of these events represent future goals to check off as they go by.  They also represent a focus that has nothing to do with sickness and nothing to do with the evil that we call cancer.

My current state of mind reminds me of a story from my childhood, one that gave me confidence and courage.  As an eighth grader, I was a good student but not great.  I excelled in music and was nice to people.  I also had a severe hatred for bullies.  The middle school I attended had more than its share of bullies with violent fights every day and packs of students who just wanted to intimidate people.  At the time, I realized their power and control of others wasn't based on toughness or strength, it was all about fear and intimidation.  In other words, the bullies of the school relied on mental control out of fear of physical punishment.  The truth was, they were not stronger or tougher than others but many students were still afraid.  If their intended victims were not afraid, they had nothing.

In the Spring, I was selected along with about a dozen other eighth graders to deliver tea to parents and teachers at an event called "Parent Night."  It was an honor to be selected.  I had to wear a white shirt with dress pants as I carried a silver tray full of tea cups to various classrooms.  Suddenly, a middle school student in regular street clothes approached me and pointed at the main outside door to the school.  Standing in the doorway was the most infamous bully from the neighborhood.  His fists were to his side in a fighting stance.  He was at least three years older, a high school dropout whose daily routine seemed to be theft, selling drugs and intimidating everyone.  He stole a minibike from me three months earlier.  My brother and I discovered that he was the thief so I turned him into the police, retrieved my minibike and took him to small claims court for damages and won a settlement of $60, a very significant amount at the time.  The middle school student who was sent as a messenger said, "Bill wants to beat you up.   He'll be waiting for you outside."  This message was intended as a one way conversation.  It wasn't a question and Bill wasn't expecting a response other than me being frightened to leave the school.  For some reason, I wasn't afraid and replied, "Tell him it will be a while. I'm busy delivering tea."

This character had been trying to get in a confrontation for several days but after that evening, he gave up.  His routine of intimidation didn't work.  I was simply too busy to satisfy his attempt to frighten me.  That was the last time I ever saw him.

Cancer tries with all its might to control and intimidate.  It wants to take over our body and soul.  Under threat of physical punishment or death, it's standing in the doorway with fists at its side wanting its victim to surrender.  Cancer is the ultimate bully, full of hatred and dark intent.  As for me, for whatever cancer may be left in my body, I'm truly not afraid, never have been.  I'm saying to the cancer within me, "I don't have time to be intimidated.  I'm simply too busy."

Tremors

GVHD or Graft versus Host Disease is when the new donor blood and immune system attacks part of the host body.  It can go after the skin, liver, nervous system and the GI track among other areas.  It's very common for recipients of an allogeneic transplant.

I had a new experience at symphony rehearsal last night.  I've been experiencing symptoms of GVHD for over a month now but a new symptom showed up during the rehearsal.  I had hand and arm tremors.  This typically wouldn't be very disturbing or even noticeable to people around me if I kept my hands in my pockets but I was holding a tuba and sitting on a platform with the trombone section.  Before long my tuba was shaking, the platform was shaking and the trombones were playing with an unintended vibrato!  It felt like an earthquake for two hours.  One of the trombonists was getting sea sick.

As with most symptoms, there is a drug that helps.  I'm on that drug now and the tremors have stopped.  The concert is tonight.  Thank goodness for pharmaceuticals.