We were all children once. We depended on others to feed us, clothe us and provide the basic necessities of life. But at some point, we grew up and provided for others. Parents of children and pets, teachers, caregivers and all responsible adults have a natural need to protect children and to be providers, no matter the cost. It's the natural circle of life.
I am a provider, not one who needs help. My role in life is to take care of the people near me, not to be taken care of. At least that was my identity for the past 45 years. Today, I'm having an identity crisis because, for the first time in my life, a community of friends, family and even strangers are reaching out to me with offers of help. It's extremely uncomfortable and at the same time reminds me that I'm not alone in the world.
My daughter just put up a "gofundme" page since I'm deeply in debt due to medical and housing bills. She said people want to help. After spending a lifetime of teaching and helping young people to discover who they can be, reversing the role and letting others help me is the most difficult part of my entire journey with cancer.
I've been analyzing my discomfort and trying to cope with accepting financial help. My brain knows it makes sense but the rest of me cringes each time I hear about a donation to help this old band teacher who should be able to take care of himself. It may be a result of simple pride or even arrogance. I'm not supposed to admit that I can't afford to pay my own bills. I'm very torn.
The only clarity that I can claim is that I am deeply humbled and yes, grateful that anyone would care enough to offer help. The fact that so many are coming to my aid reminds me that I live in a world of like minded and responsible adults. When I am no longer sick from cancer and start teaching again this Spring, I'll have one more life lesson in my teaching arsenal. It's something I haven't had to face since I was a child and I'll admit that it hurts more than full body radiation. It's simple humility.
We are each other. No more or less. You are deeply loved by so many and we are doing what you would do for each of us. I I'll never forget you coming over to clean my house before my husbands wake and almost getting yourself killed between Mel's guns and your "delux" vacuum cleaner.
ReplyDeleteHelp from others reminds one of how much they are loved and cared for. What you have done for so many kids and adults in our community goes far beyond what we are all doing for you. Just focus on getting well and we'll be here for you when you return home. Humility is good. Very, very good!
ReplyDeleteWe want to help you get back on your feet. You have given so much joy to so many young people and your colleagues. We know this is difficult for you, but everyone wants to help.
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