More Results and a Woodpecker

The PET scan results are great.  There are no active tumors in by body.  The shoulder tumor is completely gone.  It's great news and I'll take it as a sign of a path to a cure.  I haven't always done this well on tests.  My college exams usually scored high but not always.  I was explaining my worst college test to a cousin a couple days ago.  She said I should add it to the blog.  It has nothing to do with cancer but it did hurt more than any cancer test I've ever experienced.

I was walking through the woods, on my way to a music history final exam.  There would be questions like "Who is this composer and what information brings you to that conclusion?"  The professor, a Hungarian music professor with a thick accent would drop the needle on an obscure piece of music and give us three minutes to complete the answer.  She would also ask us about various forms of instrumental music, then vocal music and every combination of solo or ensemble works.  It was a difficult test but I felt ready and confident.  Getting an "A" on the final would assure and "A" for the class.

The next thing to happen, as I was walking along brought great joy to the college medical clinic.  It was such a rare occurrence that the word spread throughout the college as a bizarre joke.  As I was strolling along with huge Douglas Fir and Cedar trees all around me, my focus was on symphonic forms and the idiosyncrasies of various composers.  My thoughts were all consuming, unaware of my surroundings and anxious to get this test over with.  Then suddenly a rhythmic tapping could be heard directly over my head.  It was the common sound of a woodpecker.  I did what I believe anyone would do when a woodpecker knocks on the tree just two feet away.  I looked up.  The bird's timing and aim could not have been more perfect.  I didn't see the woodpecker.  As my head pointed upward, the bird poop landed directly in my left eye.

The immediate pain was excruciating.  It was a sharp burning pain unlike anything I had experienced.  I put a hand over the eye and immediately started an all out sprint to the campus, passed the gym, the math building, the science building, the library all while pushing my palm against my face as if I were holding the eye inside its socket.  As I finally reached the medical clinic on the far side of campus, about a mile away, I wondered if I would be blind from the intense burning.  Opening the eye just revealed a dark blur and even more pain.  I had never set foot into the clinic but I thought they would they would surely help and maybe give a prognosis of what I could expect.  Most of all,  I had to find relief from the pain.

When I arrived at the clinic, I explained what had happened to the receptionist.  I'll never forget her reaction.  She laughed.  I was in terrible pain and she just laughed.  She picked up the phone and told somebody that a patient just walked in saying a bird pooped in his eye.  I knew that students would come up with a lot of medical complaints during finals week.  Sometimes it was due to stress from the finals and some would look for a medical excuse to not take a final.  Her reaction to my complaint indicated that she thought I had staged the whole thing to get out a test.

They brought me back to an exam room where a physician was smiling, with an assumption that I was faking the whole thing.  He said, "I've been here eight years and if a bird did what you're saying, it would be a first."  He looked at my eye and while still chucking admitted that yes, there was in fact a large amount of bird poop under my lids that were closed for the previous twenty minutes.  Within a couple minutes, three clinic workers were in my room just to watch (and giggle) as the physician pulled long strings of poop from my eye.  The pain was still intense.  It wasn't one bit humorous to me, especially since the doctor didn't appreciate my level of discomfort.  He eventually gave me some eye drops and sent me on my way with a note to give to the music history professor.  It said "Please excuse this student from the final.  A bird pooped in his eye."

By the time I reached the music building, the final was over. The professor was leaving the room when I caught up with her.  The left side of my face was bright red and my left eye was also red.  I gave her the note and explained what had happened.  I'm still not sure if she believed my story but she gave me credit to be the first person in her teaching career to come up with such a unique excuse.  I was allowed to take the final the following day.  I did get an "A."