The Pit of Darkness

Several months ago, I talked about the pit of darkness.  While resting in my small apartment, in Seattle, drugs were racing through my body and mind.  I don't believe I had hallucinogenic episodes but extremely loud and visual dreams and daydreams were common.  I frequently visualized a huge, dark hole.  It was about twenty feet wide and appeared to be dug out solid rock.  There wasn't a bottom, just depth that represented further sickness and misery.  Falling into the darkness was death.  Several people, including myself were clinging to the sides.  Some were were just trying to avoid the inevitable fall and others were putting all of their focus into a real or sometimes futile attempt to climb out and stand on firm ground, left wishing they could help those left inside.

My misunderstanding was that climbing out the pit would happen sooner than later.  Leaving the SCCA would be the marker for climbing out and eventually standing on two feet without worry of falling.  The truth was and is that leaving Seattle was a huge step in the right direction.  After, thirty-four weeks of daily treatments, leaving that behind for a somewhat normal life was a huge leap toward being healthy.  But even though that step was taken one year ago, I know now that my vision of complete health was just a dream.  It's still a dream that I will achieve in real time, just not quite yet.

As for the dark, bottomless pit also known as cancer, I have more hatred for it than anything else.  The fact that I have or will conquer cancer makes me hate it even more.  I know the pain and the cost that it took for me to beat it.  Others have paid more and given more of themselves in pain and suffering and still slip away to the disease.  I struggle with accepting my own success with cancer.  I don't deserve it more but then I didn't deserve cancer in the first place.  For now, my hand is on the surface.  Before long, I will be able to pull myself out of the pit and walk away.

And yes, if you are wondering, I'm still taking a several drugs and yes they still give me vivid and weird visual daydreams that I can't extinguish.