Dreams

I just woke up, dreaming of living in the small apartment in Seattle again.  The foggy dream was full of despair and even fear.  It was about sickness, misery and finally, hope.  The dream showed people passing away from the same illness as mine.  I once again felt the pressure of the dark side of cancer, insisting that I give in and allow it to completely take over my body and soul.  

Then, as before, I also felt the same comforting hope with an absolute certainty that I would survive.  That hope was my security during treatment.  It kept me positive and it may have kept me alive.  I viewed all of the sickness, all of the pain and all of the relentless nausea as a temporary delay to achieving full health.

I understand why these dreams are coming back.  My temporary sickness is just a cold or flu but for some reason, it seems much worse than it used to feel.  It involves shaking from extreme chills, followed by a high fever, popping in the chest and other standard symptoms.  This isn't really worth reporting but for some reason, the cancer doctors would send me to the hospital if they knew of my current condition.  I'm also faced with the question of a possible tumor on a rib in my back.  That explains the "fear" part of the dream.  I'll see the MRI results on Monday.

I suppose that my current high fever makes me somewhat delirious and therefore not responsible for my own actions or words.  I should take advantage of that by emailing people to tell them what I really think.  But it's almost 4:00 am.  I'll let the security of hope and the positive energy of my own resilience put me back to sleep like a warm quilt and a hot tea on a cold evening.