Morning Thoughts

I remember waking up and going through my to-dos for the day. There would be a few thoughts about which pieces were to be rehearsed in band and why.  Motivating the students to practice would be most of the battle for the day. The symphony rehearsal that night would come to mind along with the difficult passage that needed some private practice time before the rehearsal. Other more wild thoughts were always there like how to create an extreme low gear linear generator or building a computer numeric controlled lathe. Some thoughts would come to mind about making conducting batons and selecting the most beautiful exotic wood for the handle. 

All of that is gone for now.  I just woke and realized my daily morning thoughts are just a list of questions.  Will I throw up this morning?  Will the almost daily changes in medication change make my nausea worse today?  Do I have a fever?  Is the pain level better or worse than the day before?

My questions are those of a victim. I no longer think about taking control of my own life.  I wait for bad things to happen and hope it's not as bad as yesterday. Knowing each day is a day closer to eventual health is the one positive thought that I force upon myself. It's a progression in time that keeps me motivated to going through another day of feeling miserable. 

I'm sorry for sharing such darkness. I just woke, grabbed my phone and started writing my morning thoughts while still in bed. On the positive side, this is temporary. I'll still smile when I meet other patients today. I'll still go out of the way to help those in walkers and wheelchairs. When asked how I'm doing by passers by, I'll still say "fantastic" as I race to the bathroom to be sick again. It's the truth. Compared to others who are much worse off, my outlook is fantastic. I'll be back.