Ups and Downs

The last day of work is today.  The student last day was yesterday.  I just realized that I made it!  I told the doctors that going back to work was the right thing for me, that my students would help to make it work.  They did and I'm better off for it.  

The last blog was full of darkness. As with most medical procedures, I assumed the recovery period would show steady improvement each day.  I didn’t expect the reality of so many high and lows followed by more high and lows.  I wasn’t ready for the challenge of having my intentional optimism crushed over and over by continued setbacks and disappointments.  It seems that each time the treatments are going well, something would go wrong.

There are still times when I feel like I stand at the edge of a bottomless pit of misery and stare into the blackness.  The pit didn’t just contain possible death.  It represents a near complete loss of hope along with the constant agony of pain and symptoms too numerous to mention.  The constant bombardment of sickness for so many previous months and then again months after arriving in Alaska, feels like weights pulling me toward that pit of darkness.  It is difficult to resist falling, to simply give up and become a victim.

The only rule I live by throughout this ordeal is to not give in. I haven't given up hope though at times I wonder if that would be easier. I have the deepest heartfelt sympathy for the poor souls who have fallen. They're were all around me at the SCCA. They served as a reminder that strength and a resolve to find complete health was my right.  Cancer would never take that from me.  That resolve gave me strength and more strength gave me that resolve.

Regardless of the poor prognosis of my current condition, I have found a way out and a path toward health. I can say with certainty, the GVHD and it's effect on my lungs will not reduce my optimism and will not take my fighting spirit. It's a new challenge to get through, that's all.