Why me?

I was recently reminded of the sadness brought by cancer and the incredible support from my community, family and students.  It reminded me of a selfish thought that I had over and over for the past several months.  I'm not proud of it but writing it down for the first time helps to get it off my chest.  

 My journey through many sessions of chemotherapy, eating fist fulls of drugs and two transplants made me ask the age old question, why me.  Why do I have to suffer this way.  I didn’t deserve the pain, the agony and the depression.  I believe that I’m generally a good person, kind to others and I think I have a good heart, so why me?  Each time that fleeting thought would come to mind, I would think of my neighbors in the Pete Gross House.  Most were better off than I was but many were not.  They were struggling to just survive, to live another week or month or possibly another year.  They were hanging onto a fragile thread of life that could break at any moment.  

My condition was temporary, certain to recover and live my own life.  Self sympathy made me ask myself “Why me?  Why do I have to suffer?”  Reality of my surroundings made me ask, “Why them?”  They didn’t deserve to be terminally ill.  They didn’t ask for the pain and suffering at a far greater level than I could comprehend.  My shame of self pity would always end with asking the question in another way.  “Why me?  Why am I the lucky one?”